Ensenada Cruise

last modified 12/22/2014

Monika and I cruised 4 nights from Long Beach to Catalina to Ensenada.

I'd been whining to Monika for the last 6 months about wanting to go on a cruise. I thought my complaints idle because vacations cost money and we don't have any. It was just my way of saying that I was burned out from programming. Monika began monitoring cruise fares. She eventually found a deal that I couldn't refuse: $373 for 4 nights for the 2 of us.

crusie ship
I couldn't help but take a moment to capture this interesting angle after I fell overboard.

Considering that just under half of that price is tax, I had my doubts. How could it possibly be profitable to house, feed and wait on someone for 4 nights for $100? What corners do they cut? Some reviewers said sewage odors wafted in from the bathroom. Some said that the food was junk. Others raved, "It's the best food that I've ever eaten!" Oh, well, beggars can't be choosers. We'd have to find out for ourselves. We packed a duffel bag full of bottled water. A man can only survive for 3 days on tap water.

Costs crept in, of course. There were $96 of mandatory tips "for our convenience." Parking was $17 per day and yes, I checked if cheapseaportparking.com exists. It doesn't. Someone get on that for god's sake. The US Government leased a passport to me for the popular price of $200. Along with voluntary tips, 5 drinks ($10 each), shore excursions ($100), blowing $140 on craps, gas and incidentals (e.g. duffel bags full of bottled water), our all-in cost was around $1025. If you don't drink or gamble and you already have your passport then you could theoretically spend less than $650. I think that's pretty amazing. Did I mention already that a lot or perhaps even most of that goes to our government overlords?

Tip #1: Arrive Early

You may embark several hours earlier than the time printed on the ticket. It's like getting another half-day of vacation. We totally should have done that.

There is no good route for driving to Long Beach. We tried the 101 to the 405 driving in. There were 4 car accidents. We tried the 1 to the 101 driving out. The 1 was closed just out of Malibu. FYI for the out-of-towners, the 1 is miserable south of Malibu.

Cabin

We had an Ocean View cabin located aft on deck 5. It was fine. The bed was excellent. The cabin was slightly larger than the bed. The bathroom was the size of a coat closet but perfectly functional. Fatties may have problems.

Tip #2: Put the lid down when you flush the toilet.

We did not smell any odors coming in from the bowels of the ship. However, there is little-to-no ventilation in the small bathroom and cabin. If you smell something then it is probably your own stank.

The room vibrated hard when the ship slowed down or changed directions which only happened when leaving or entering port. I guess the captain knew where he was going. The vibrations woke us up once.

Staff

The stewards were mostly from many Asian countries. They claimed to represent 47 countries and 53 languages and I believe them. Everyone was courteous and knew their jobs. Their English was patchy but serviceable. Monika speaks Indonesian and that came in handy. We suspect that Carnival is able to save a lot of money on labor by hiring foreigners at low wages. This seems to work well because even just the tips would be pretty good money by south-east-Asia standards.

towel folded into the shap of an elephant
Turndown service includes towel animals.

The ship is a living, ever-renewing animal. You can always see someone cleaning something, from Windexing the stairwells to swabbing the deck to filing off any speck of rust and touching up the paint.

Food

There are 3 dining rooms: Lido, Mardi-Gras and Carnival. Lido is an open-almost-all-of-the-time buffet. Breakfast is similar to the free offerings at 2-3 star hotels: eggs, bacon, cereal, melon, pastries, etc. cooked without love. For lunch and dinner, Lido is similar to your local all-you-can-eat pizza and salad lunch special. Your best bet is to hunt through the large selection of items for the simple and high quality ones. You can't go wrong with a big salad.

Mardi-Gras is an open-most-of-the-time restaurant. We learned to eat breakfast here rather than Lido. Quality ranges from low to high. Your best bet is once again simple and high quality. Order the ham and cheese omelet not the eggs Benedict.

Carnival is the dinner-only restaurant with fixed meal times and fixed company. Quality ranges from medium to excellent. At best, dine on exotic, inspiring entrées and deserts. At worst, fall back on a steak and salad. One night is formal attire. It also happens to be the best food, lobster tail in our case. Your best bet is to hunt for items more likely to have been prepared fresh than prepackaged. The steak was seared a few minutes ago. The carrot cake probably came from Costco (not that I don't love Costco).

Our table seated 12 but it was just 4 of us the first night. We were fortunate to be seated with Miss C and Miss T who were my and Monika's age respectively. We got on royally each night at dinner and watched each other's backs in Ensenada. Monika and I liked Miss T especially. She was nerdy and cute, just like us.

In conclusion, junk food lovers will be in heaven. Healthy eaters will do fine. Foodies will find excuses to be pretentious. The good food looks even better on blogs.

Tip #3: Resist overeating.

Food is unlimited, not just now but also later. Stuffing yourself just ruins your future appetite. I'm a quick wit so it only took me 2 days to figure this out. Go to dinner hungry because it's the best food. There may be a case for stuffing yourself with lobster tail.

Alcohol

Drinks are expensive for an average pour but nicely mixed. You can bring a bottle of wine with you but you may only consume it in your cabin. Monika is a light drinker and I am not a heavy drinker so we wound up bringing our wine home with us. With all my overeating (see tip #3), I never felt like drinking most of a bottle of wine. This was a shame because I did feel like drinking a single glass. We offered to share with our friends Miss T and Miss C but they didn't take us up on it. Don't take candy from strangers, I guess.

Seasickness

The boat swayed gently through nearly the entire trip, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot. Those who had taken other cruises said there was substantially more swaying than normal. Maybe the ocean is choppier during the winter? Maybe it's just luck? At any rate, there was some funny business on the miniature golf course. I suspect that Poseidon was against me and for Monika. On one occasion, the ship rolled her ball into the hole from a standstill!

I did not get seasick. Monika got a little queasy but it went away once she ate a little something and looked out to the horizon for a while. Our friend Ms. C was sick one of the days and did not leave her cabin.

Catalina Island

view of ship from Catalina Island
Catalina Island bay

Ferries took us from the ship to shore. There are a few blocks of touristy development along the shore: rentals, shoppes, restaurants, pubs, ice cream, etc. It's like any number of other touristy seaside towns such as my hometown of Ventura. It's fine as far as it goes but I've seen it a million times. Prices are high but not as high as on the ship.

Past the shoppes, Catalina Island really is beautiful. If you have an eco-tourist bone in your body then you should have a nice day. Monika and I chose to walk rather than renting a golf cart, which is apparently how everyone else gets around. I think we chose best. We saved $40, yay, but more importantly we appreciated the island rather than zipping by it. We walked 6-7 miles total.

The highlight of our day hike was the botanical gardens. Since there are few predators on the island, plants live for a very long time and grow to gigantic sizes. I was extremely impressed by a strawberry tree as well as a 20 foot tall yucca.

giant yucca
This yucca is an example of island giantism.
Tip #4: Know how to walk a few miles in your own shoes

The Los Angeles crowd was out of place on Catalina Island. Sorry Ms. Angelino, but your Raiders hoodie, yoga pants and fashion boots are not well adapted to this environment. To get the most out of shore excursions, have the shoes and skills to be able to comfortably walk a few miles. We were over-equipped with day hiking gear and completely comfortable.

Ensenada, Mexico

Consider staying on the ship. I'm not joking. Ensenada is dirty, poorly maintained and likely a health hazard. In California, I search out the most Mexican looking joint. In Mexico, we searched out the most Americanized place.

It's a shame because there are miles of beautiful coast line. That very same stretch of beach, if it were in America, would be the center of a town of elegant homes, tourism, etc. There is, in fact, at least one neighborhood dominated by vacation homes. The houses are freshly painted, the landscaping tended and the grounds clean.

Ensenada coastline
beautiful coastline outside of Ensenada

From the moment you step off the ship, the hustle is on. You literally have to walk through a gift shop to get out of the port. You have little option other than to take the shuttle for $2 into downtown. There, you can experience the pleasures of:

My favorite (by favorite I mean not favorite) bad sales pitch was "Hey, I recognize you! You are Mr. Big Spender!" I also really liked (by liked I mean disliked) the farmacias. They distinguish themselves by having mirrored walls, mirrored shelves, mirrored everything. Instead of packing every square inch with goods, they take the minimalist Apple-store approach of solitary items on solitary shelves. Sometimes, it's a bottle of Head and Shoulders shampoo. Sometimes, it's Viagra.

We paid $15 per person to take the tour bus to La Bufadora or The Blow Hole. It is a cove with natural tubes in the rock wall. When a wave rolls in, water flows into the tubes under pressure, spurting high into the air. It's pretty impressive.

La Bufadora selfy
La Bufadora was blowing every minute or two

We paid $20 per person to ride the saddest horses in the Western Hemisphere along the beach. We were cheated out of half of our time and quite thankful for it. Our guilt would have become unbearable in another 45 minutes. We would have had to dismount and carry the horses for a while to soothe our consciences.

Tip #5: Don't book excursions ahead of time.

The cruise line charges more than double for exactly what you can buy when you arrive. This was true of both Catalina Island and Ensenada. Don't worry about missing an offer. There will be salesmen waiting for you.

I guess that I'm happy to have, "had the experience," as they say. I shall want for no more. One and done. Hit it and quit it. Use it and lose it. El Fin.

Entertainment

Monika and I played a lot miniature golf. I learned by observation that Asians (not just Monika) can't miniature golf.

There are 2 ping-pong tables and they are always occupied.

There's a casino. The only game I play is craps and they only let you take 2X odds (0.606% house edge) versus 3-4-5 odds on the Las Vegas Strip (0.374% house edge). I assume that the other games have even larger house edges.

There are plenty of places to drink but I can't imagine drinking heavily at $10 a drink. People seem to do it, however.

The live music is mediocre. I probably would be too if I had to play all day. One performer played guitar beautifully but ruined it with his atrocious voice.

We did not take advantage of the shows. We caught a little bit of one before dinner and it was campy. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I'm just saying I don't know how much of that I could take. I think that the performers are a bit like those Mexican horses: tired and sad. There are 2,000 guests on board. Some of them must be strong, some must be good guitar players and some must be funny. Maybe we could carry the poor horses, entertainers and comedians for a spell.

Travel is travel. It's naturally boring. What you do have in abundance are beautiful views, at least if you think that the ocean is beautiful. Your best bet is to find a nice place and move slowly. Read, play cribbage, sun bathe, meditate, journal, etc. Relax and recreate. Maybe procreate.

Types of Passengers (in no particular order or proportion)

Do bring:

Don't bring: